How to Welcome a New Baby into a Blended Family.

When I was pregnant there was one thing I worried about… time… Time with my newborn baby in an already busy family. Welcome to our blended family of now 5.

This was my first pregnancy but if you don’t really know my partner Mat has twin boys from a previous marriage. I met them when they were 5 and love them dearly. I wasn’t in anyway worried how they would react to having a new baby in the house. Their Mum had already had another, and they are wonderfully caring, secure boys, if anything I was sure they would enjoy having another sibling. What I did worry about however was those first few precious weeks, when I wanted to snuggle down with a newborn and recover from birth. I had no idea how I would feel in those first few weeks.

How our blended family works.

For context, the twins are with us roughly 40% of the time. At the time they were coming to us 2 days a week after school for dinner, and staying the night another 2 days a week. This would have been fine with a new baby, enough time to enjoy with them and enough time to have quiet newborn cuddles. However my daughters due date happen to fall in the summer holiday when Mat and their Mum split time 50/50. Her actual due date actually within their two week holiday abroad with their Mum. Great I thought, time for us to settle down for a few days before they are with us for two weeks.

“But hang on, what if she’s late,” I thought, “She’s due four days before they get back, and then it’s going to be a full on 2 weeks with the twins”. I worried and worried. Mat told me not to worry. This worried me more.

Then came a mention from a friend. “So how’s it going to work?” She said in front of all of us. “You’ll want time with the baby, it is after all your first, will the boys go to their Mum for a bit?”

Mat admittedly got his back up, “No we are a family and we will do this together.” She gave me a look of understanding, I nodded.

The problem with being in a blended family.

The problem was I understood Mat’s reaction. I didn’t want to send them away either. I love them. I don’t want them to feel in anyway pushed out of the family because a new baby was coming in. Mat was right we are a family and we would do this together, but I also wanted that precious time with my newborn, I was also worried how I would react to getting settled into having a new baby.

The problem was, the timing was all off. Had they been at school, I would have had endless days with baby, then been excited for them to come home and see her. If it wasn’t the summer holidays, when we needed to entertain them all day, keep them busy and happy I probably wouldn’t have worried so much.

I think Mat understood my point of view but I guess he was worried how he was going to juggle the two as well.

So how did we manage our newborn coming into the family?

Daddy and new baby snuggled on the sofa. A blended family.

Well our family stepped in. Perhaps Nanna sensed what was coming, declaring how much she would miss the boys. How maybe they would like a sleepover with their dear Nanna so she could look forward to it while they were away. Just one night. Auntie Jem declared she was jealous of this and asked if they would like a sleep over at hers a couple of nights later. I am eternally grateful to have family close by.

This brought us a couple of days.

Then our baby girl arrived and I needn’t have worried about a thing.

The thing with babies is, their quiet boring….

The boys ran in so excited too meet their little sister. They held her, they asked for their picture to be taken with her, they asked questions about her. Then they asked what as for dinner….

Let your children love their new sibling and then let them pass them back.

This of course was made easier by the fact that they were 10 years old and wanted to run off doing other things.

The next week went by in a blurr.

Reeva was born on the Tuesday morning. The boys arrived back on the Wednesday afternoon, to be dropped off at Nanna’s. Luckily this is only around the corner from us so we went there to greet them and introduce their new little sister. I know, I walked there 36 hours after giving birth. I think the drugs were still keeping me going, because 24 hours after that I wanted to go no where.

This turned out to be a great idea for everyone because Nanna had cooked us all a big old meal. The first thing Mat and I had properly eaten in 3 days.

We spent a lovely 2 hours reuniting with the boys. Letting them cuddle their sister. By the time we had done this, they were asking what movie they could watch in Nanna’s bed, and what sweest she had brought to accompany this. Making it fun for them like this was the best thing we could have done.

Let dad do all the work. It makes them feel useful.

Turns out it isn’t that fun for Dad’s to sit next to you all day while you breastfeed for hours on end. I always knew he had itchy feet and wouldn’t be able to sit in the house with me all day. Having him there, while it was lovely, meant I couldn’t watch what I wanted on Netflix and sleep while newborns do what newborns do, which is feed and sleep, feed and sleep. So while I got comfy on the sofa, sleeping babe in arms, Mat would take the boys out for the day. This made him feel useful. And then excited to come home and take baby off my hands while I had a long bath.

Let the older siblings feel useful too.

Mat certainly got them working. They would all go to the shops in the morning to buy me and the baby treats. Then the boys would then make my breakfast to bring to me in bed. Bless them, every morning I got a couple of tea and yoghurt and fruit. They said they were keeping me healthy.

Don’t be afraid to talk to their other parent.

Because it was the summer holidays, Mat’s paternity leave started in the new term. During that two weeks, which is a long time for the boys to be away from their Mum, Mat asked the boys if they would like to go back to their Mum’s for a night once a week. She of course was happy to oblige and let Mat have the time back during his paternity leave. This worked perfectly because A. It gave Mat time to relax a little too and B. it meant for the first time ever Mat was able to walk the boys to school and pick them up again once they were back. It meant for the first time there was no rushing in the morning, (he normally has to get them up and out for 7am). Mat got to spend the days with me and Reeva, (by this point she was 4 weeks old and we were happy to take her here, there and everywhere), and then we had the afternoon with the boys again.

Although Mat obviously loved spending time with Reeva and I, I think all that extra time he had, just him and his sons meant so much too him.

Consider when your partner takes their paternity leave.

Baby asleep on daddy’s chest. A blended family.

In Mat’s job he was allowed to take two weeks paid paternity leave. Paid paternity leave is not something every work place gives, although it should be made mandatory. The best thing we did was decide for Mat to take it a little later. Although of course he was around because it was the holidays, (he’s a teacher) he then went back for a week and then took his two weeks. This meant she was now a month old, I was rested and ready to get out doing lovely things together. I would highly recommend this.

Obviously it depends on your situation, but I found it’s hard for men in the early days, there’s really not much they can do, especially if your breastfeeding. Newborn babies feed, a lot, and sleep a lot. It’s all about staying in your pj’s and enjoying that time while you recover. Other than bringing you cups of tea, cooking and keeping on top of the washing (which they can still do) the men often say they find it hard to bond at this time because baby is so attached to Mum. And that’s okay.

Fast forward a few weeks, when you can go for nice lunches as a family, hand baby to Dad for a while, even let Dad take baby for walks while you catch up on some sleep, this is the time you and he will enjoy paternity leave the most in my opinion.

This of course may be different if you have a C-Section or don’t have family around. You may want them their for confidence in the beginning, but I loved the uninterrupted feet up, baby cuddles.

Talk to older siblings.

My last piece of advice when introducing a new baby into any family, not just a blended one is too talk to your children. Never underestimate children, they understand more than we give them credit for. We explained to the boys I would never time to rest, that the baby might not like to be passed around whenever they wanted and that we would be able to do our usual adventures this Summer… and guess what?… They understood that. Actually they loved an afternoon movie with us on the sofa while baby slept. They played on the beach while I sat with baby. They knocked on the door in case I was feeding and they shut their door when they didn’t want to hear baby crying in the night.

One thing I have learnt over the years is that children are incredibly adaptable. More or than us actually.

And how did we cope with those first few weeks.

Again I has nothing to worry about, I wish someone had told me this.

Everyone tells you about the sleepless nights and how much a baby is going to change your world. Which of course it does. But all that scary talk gave me visions of hating this time, of not coping and not wanting the boys around to see that, when actually as long as your prepared to rest, prepared to let Dad do everything else around the house and take it easy on yourself the newborn days are just lovely. It’s having a toddler you need to worry about…..

I hope this may give some comfort for any Mum’s bringing a new baby into a blended family, because after all the worry it’s wonderful to make your family grow and should be celebrated.